Still stalled

Hey everyone! Well..I’m STILL stalled. I guess that’s better than gaining but I’m trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Maybe the stress. Home issues are taking a huge toll on me. I’m trying so hard to stay focused and positive.

I have started writing down goals and am starting to feel a lot more positive. So sorry for the lack of entries but it’s taken most of the energy that I have lately to even do my daily routine. I KNOW it will get better and I am trusting in God.

Thanks for continuing to follow me even though I do not post much or at all lately. I’ll get back on track and post more soon. Have a blessed rest of the week!

Stalling and Emotions

So, I rarely post in here anymore. The honeymoon period of post op is over. Of course I don’t really believe that I had much of a honeymoon period. I do not regret this surgery. I don’t want anyone pre op to think that I do. I can tell you that I likely wasn’t prepared mentally for it. I wish they would require much much more therapy pre op. I honestly think that should be a requirement.

I am a food addict. I didn’t realize how much so until I started this process. Food was my drug. Food is still my drug. Food will always be my drug if I allow it to be. I was a heavy smoker too so that was one of my “vices”. I’m so glad I’m no longer a smoker and I do not crave them at all surprisingly. BUT I do feel as if there is a void. I feel very depressed and very lonely.

The emotions I am and have been feeling quite possibly could not be related to the surgery because I do have several other things that are going on in my life. But I can say that I’ve been through a lot more and handled it quite well prior. Maybe I just stuffed my face and gained mega weight but hey, I feel as if I handled it.

I am currently at a stall. I’m stuck at 210 (according to my moms scales, as I do not have any). While I do not eat crappy stuff and I stick to the post op diet, I do eat the stuff I can have in excess. Peanut butter..that’s one of the things that I believe we are “okayed” to have in moderation. Welp, for a food addict there is no such thing as moderation. I eat spoonfuls of it. It tastes so good to me and seemingly satisfies my “sweet tooth”. This is likely contributing to the weight stall and it’ll be a weight gain if I don’t check myself.

The greek yogurt, I eat 2 containers a day, sometimes 3. Yup..I admit. Obviously not at one sitting but throughout the day. I really over do my meals too. I feel full and will still go past that limit. I’m not doing the wait 30 minutes between food and drink like I should be either. So..all of this is my fault. I feel as if I am a huge failure and I am. I’m failing.

I am very depressed. I also sleep a long time or not much at all. I am wondering if I even need the cpap anymore. It dries me out so bad that I wake up many times during the night with a horribly dry mouth and tongue. It will hurt my tongue sometimes it’s so dry. *shrugs*. I called the company and they said the doctor has to figure something out about it. I thought they could look at the data but what do I know. So I’ve been turning the pressure down slowly myself. Not even sure I’m doing it right.

So…I feel good to get this out in the open. I am the only one that can resolve the eating stuff. I need help with the emotions though. One problem with that is that I can not afford therapy. My insurance will NOT cover a counselor. Go figure. Something about my states budget cuts. I’ll just wear a happy mask I suppose. I am going to hop off of the pity train and try to get some stuff done. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.

Does anyone else get pissed off because you can not eat as much as you used to be able to? Is this a fairly early out issue or is it just an Aimee issue? I’m going to go with the latter. I feel like I’m failing. I feel like I’m going to fail and this was all for nothing.

I’m not eating crap. I’m just eating too much of the stuff that is “allowed” or recommended. I get bored. I graze and I know I shouldn’t. I overfill my pouch. I. Am. A. Food. Addict.

I need help. I don’t drive alone (I’ll make a post on my phobias at some point in time) so I can’t get to counseling. Sure my husband can take me and he would BUT he works a lot and he can not just take off to take me somewhere. I have to get a grip on this. I really do.

If I do not follow this program it WILL be all for nothing and I’ll be right back up to 300 or more. This is really a struggle and I beg anyone that has had WLS to tell me it isn’t a struggle. If anyone even sees this please do not lecture me or add any kind of mean spirited comment. I’m hard on myself enough as it is.

I have been slacking..I have to get it in gear

I’ve not been exercising like I should. While there is no excuse..I have been making many. All of them are legit. I’m still in a bad place mentally, I’m tired..very tired (likely due to the depression), I can not focus much, and I lack motivation.

There has to be some changes made..I can’t sit around and do nothing or else I’ll end up right back where I was. A place that I never want to be again..and that is 300lb plus. I can’t do that.

So I will get my ass in gear and I will start back the exercises and up my water (slacking there too).

Happy 4th! 6 Month Post Op Tomorrow

Happy Independence Day to those who celebrate! Our poor Brogan is NOT happy at all. I found a meme I made last year (thank you Facebook memories!) that sums up how he feels about today. 

He is currently in the kitchen laying in front of the refrigerator asleep. Maybe the hum of the fridge makes him feel comfortable. Not quite sure but I would rather him do that than pant and pace like he’s been doing. Poor baby.

Anyway, on to my next subject..tomorrow makes 6 months post op for me. Where has the time gone?! I can’t handle how fast time goes by. I am really nervous about tomorrow. I weigh in and I’m hoping I did well. At my 3 month post op the PA told me she thought I would be at 200 when I saw her again. Welp I don’t know about that. I sure do not feel like I’m 200. I haven’t weighed in a couple of weeks and don’t want to until tomorrow. I’m just afraid. I haven’t cheated really but feel I am able to eat and hold more than normal. So..tomorrow I will find out. I HAVE to incorporate some counseling. Finding one is going to be the issue since I do not drive..oh and there is that other thing..finances.

I think I’m going to lay on the couch for a while. Kinda sleepy and bummed for some reason. Hope you all have a fantastic and safe 4th of July!!!

Back on track

So I posted a blog the other night about my crappy day (couple of days)  eating. Well since we’ve been home I’m back on track and exercised yesterday. 

I got home and got in gear without hesitation.  Now,  preop I would have just given up.  I would have decided that I am just not cut out to be healthy and I would have gorged myself on whatever I could find.

I know this surgery is a tool but it has also changed my way of thinking about food.  I can no longer just shrug that piece of bread off.  I now think about all of the stuff I went through to get this procedure and how blessed I am to have gotten it.

So a new mindset is a good thing right?  Yes it is but I also am way harder on myself than I’ve ever been.  A good thing too I suppose.  I really feel counseling would be beneficial.  Counseling is hella expensive though unfortunately.

I guess I better quit blabbing and get some bills paid and figure out what we are going to do today.  Hubby is still on his vacation so I’m happy we can spend some time together.  I’ll post a few pictures of our Branson trip in a separate post later.  Peace and love.
Aimee

The love of a wife

I love my husband so much, and he better be glad I do. He came home with some chocolate chip cookie dough mix. I made the cookies for him. The smell was fantastic. But I felt a little sad by not being able to have one. I admit I kept thinking it might not hurt me but you know what..hell yes it will hurt me. I didn’t go through all of this to go back to eating the crap that helped me get up to 315 pounds. Definitely not worth it. So, I can proudly say that I came into the computer room and sat down with my little helping of tuna salad and ate that. Once the 30 minutes is up I will have a glass of decaf iced tea with 3 splendas in it. I’ve got this. Ain’t no little pansy cookie gonna make me feel like crap. 🙂